What We've Learned in the Last 5 Months

It has been 5 months since the life of our family has been forever changed.  There has been so much to struggle through and so much to learn...for ALL eight of us.  Here are a few random tidbits of wisdom gained from all of our lives.

1.  It is actually necessary to wear the appropriate amount of clothing when it is below zero degrees outside.
2.  There will always be plenty of food (and water) for everyone.
3.  Hitting, kicking, biting, and scratching do nothing but cause more problems.
4.  The dog does not like being picked up by his head.
5.  You don't have to always be "on top."
6.  It is possible to play UNO without a full deck in America too.
7.  Mom gets a hug from EVERY kid EVERY morning...this is non-negotiable.
8.  Broccoli tastes good (this one took awhile.)
9.  Hearing "I love you" every day is uncomfortable at first...but you get used to it.
10.  It's OK to stop life for awhile and enjoy being a family.
11.  Being vulnerable is hard, but worth it if you have the guts.
12.  I have one amazing "step up to the plate" husband!
13.  If you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, zombies will not kill you.
14.  When you do wake up in the middle of the night, DON'T turn the light on and wake up your brother.
15.  When you wake up at 4:30 AM, everyone else does not want to be woken up to play with you.
16.  It is possible to break elements on our vehicle I didn't know were breakable.
17.  Wife beater shirts are way cool and should be worn every day for every occasion.
18.  We are all more selfish than we thought we were.
19.  Haitians prefer cold showers even when given the option to take a warm one.
20.  We are going to have to wait about 12 more years before our house is clean again (and it's OK.)

Our Kids are Getting Older...

The following is a post I wrote for a blog for Emmaus House, a transition house in Haiti I have been blessed to help start.    As my kiddos are getting older and entering adulthood, I can't help but consider that so is the rest of the world.  The rest of the world's children are growing up just like mine.  Many don't have the incredible blessing of a mom (like mine and many of yours do) to guide them through this defining decade that will determine the outcome of the rest of their lives. 

Back when I was a physically exhausted young mother with four children all under seven, a wiser, older friend named Debbie callously said to me, “When they are teens, they are going to need you more than they do now.”  How could these hyperactive, limit testing, trouble seeking, completely dependent human beings possibly need me more…ever? No way! When my kids are older, I was headed back to work full time…I was going to get my identity back. Surely there was light at the end of this tunnel.

Fast-forward almost a decade and as a mother of two teenagers, my good friend Debbie was 100% right. A talk about a lie with a two-year old takes about 2 minutes, whereas that same conversation with a teenager is a minimum two-hour ordeal. My two older kids need me more now than they ever have. And, honestly, I don't see an end in sight.  I am on call 24/7 for any dramatic issues that may erupt at any point (Be it 2 AM or in the mid afternoon rush of making dinner.) They require my undivided attention regardless of what I may be trying to accomplish at that moment with regard to my own responsibilities.  As I longed for their little fingers to let go of mine to take those first steps of independence, now I see myself wanting to say, “Wait, come back, you’re not ready.” Ready or not, at a certain age, adulthood sneaks up and you have to let them go.   

My teens are embarking on the responsibility of adulthood where their lives and souls are at stake. Adulthood- where I will no longer be there to “monitor” every moment of their life, where the consequences for their actions can be life changing or even life threatening.   

The teens of Emmaus House are in the very same boat, except they suffer the seemingly insurmountable deficit of not having loving parents to guide them along the way. They are embarking on the rest of their lives knowing very little about how to survive the harshness of life in Haiti. They need education, life skills, confidence, and a passion for God.

As we embark on the mission of Emmaus House and God’s plan for our young adults, I was seeking counsel from a much older, wiser Christian man who has run an orphanage in Africa for years.  He said to me, “It’s tough raising money for those older kids. People don’t feel sorry for them anymore.”  He may be right.  People always seem ready to step up and give to a pathetic, dirty looking two-year old with flies swarming round (as seen on TV). However, a well-kept teen deceivingly looks to have their needs met. It’s a bit tougher raising money to help older children and young adults. Like me as a young mother, we are deceived into thinking they don’t need us as much as they did when they were younger. 

Just like our own children, the teens of CHCH need us now more than they ever have. The adult unemployment rate in Haiti is 80%. We are praying and working diligently to ensure that this will not be the case for our young people as they transition into the huge responsibility of life in Haiti. We are working to ensure they will be able to contribute to and work diligently for the church in their home country. We want to give them every chance to succeed. They need your prayers, your love, and your support just as much now, if not more, than when they were younger.

Currently, we are trying to raise the money for start up costs.   The first thing we need is a house for the youth to live in.  If you'd like to help, here's your chance!

"How are You Doing?"

Almost daily someone asks me "How's it going?"  "How are the boys adjusting?"
 "Better than I expected," or "Today was a good day," are my typical and truthful responses.  So many people pray for and love our family and I'm grateful for people who care enough to ask.

However, a question I don't get quite as often is "How are you doing?"  A dear friend popped this normally casual question on me the other night after Bible study and for some reason it hit me hard.  This isn't a question I get asked often and it took my breath away.  After the week I'd had, at that moment, the typical positive responses just weren't going to cut it.  I simply got quiet, stared blankly into space, fought the tears back, and debated whether or not she was ready for and had the time to listen to the real answer.  She did take the time and I shared a tiny part of the recent struggles in our household; a  sweaty and teary battle with a certain 8-year old that ended in both of us falling asleep in the middle of the floor, for one.

We are truly blessed beyond measure and I WILL NOT complain.  However, this raising 6 kids, two with a troubled background is really hard.  That's not easy for me to say in a world where mothers struggle every day just to feed their children or worse yet, watch them die...those are the moms who are allowed to call mothering hard.   I was literally raised on the idea of if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger, so I tend to be one to just suck it up, deal with it and try to move on. But answering my friend's question suddenly forced me to venture into a buried place of honesty with myself.  I've been fighting the reality of my situation because I know of mothers in my very situation who have it so much worse, some even having to dissolve their adoptions. Still, the longer you are a mom and the more kids you have, the less life is about YOU.  Our family's struggle is nowhere near that of others, but it's still very difficult and I'm learning it's OK to say that out loud (or type it for the world to see.)

I don't know of anywhere in the Bible where somebody asks Jesus how He is doing, so we don't really get to see how He would respond to that question at any given time in His life. He was surrounded by thousands who were seeking Him out to meet their needs.  Not too many people were concerned about what Jesus needed from what I can tell.  I really wonder how He would answer the question, "By the way, Jesus, how are you doing?"  Jesus had needs just like us (Heb 4:15.)  He was exhausted, tired, and dare I say, discouraged.  Still, no record of anyone asking Him how He is fairing through it all.

During the last grueling week of His life He spent His nights in Bethany with His dear friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus and then headed to Jerusalem every morning to be tested by the Pharisees knowing the week was to eventually end in His torture and death.  Definitely a tougher week than I've ever had.  I wonder if these dear friends who loved Jesus ever asked,  "How are you doing?"  He must have come to them every evening worn and weary.  I wonder how He would have answered.   Would He take the time to really bear the struggles He was having with another?  We have no way of knowing, but we do know that when the time came for His heart to cry out in agony, when He was in Gethsemane,  He entrusted His pain and struggle to the One who could truly help.  When Jesus struggled, He didn't "suck it up" or go into pulling up bootstraps mode.  He trusted and cried out to His Father...the comforter of all.

I don't have a local foreign adoption support group full of people who "get it"  and offer an empathetic shoulder to cry on. But I do have God's provision.  His family to offer not always what I want, but what I need.  He is my Father and I'm learning more than I ever have to trust Him with my hurts.  After 20 years of following Him, one would think I would get that by now.

How do you think Jesus would have responded to the question "How are you doing?"