Learning What Should Come Natural

We are a close knit family. My kids, even my teens WANT to be with me...all the time.  I can barely sit down on the couch without at least one of my six children, the dog, and the cat instantly glued to my side.  As I write this, my 18 year old lays on my bed next to me, weary from a long day.  Of course, she has her own bed, but there's something warm, safe, and extra comfortable about our bed.  At least that's what they all tell me.  On the occasion I am still in bed in the morning when my kids get up, I almost always wake up to a soft, sweet, 11 year old girl lying next to me.

My Sam has observed this natural intimacy in our family for a long time.  And he is at a point where he desperately wants to be a part of it. He doesn't quite know how, it's uncomfortable.  It isn't natural for him at all...the vulnerability that comes with intimacy.  He knows what the dance steps look like, he witnesses it every day, however dancing himself just doesn't feel natural to him.  Trusting another person, a person who is in charge of you with your affection is scary when those responsible for your care in the past have not proven themselves trustworthy.

Gracie with me in the morning.

Then it happened...I woke up to a courageous, squiggling little brown boy next to me.  There he was, just as uncomfortable as he could be.  WORKING at this intimacy that comes with being a part of our family.  I wanted to cry.  Instead, we discussed his recent achievement of 50 juggles with a soccer ball.

Something not often voiced in adoption circles is that it's just plain awkward at times.  Awkward for him, and awkward for me, for all of us.  I could write a book on forced, awkward hugs.   For many adoptive families, the natural intimacy they feel with their biological children isn't automatically there with their adoptive children.  For many of us who adopt older children, those deep feelings of affection takes work and time.  The moment my biological children were born, an instant, inseparable bond was there.  Bring on the train for me to jump in front of to save their lives! This close affection has had to be built over the last five years with my adopted boys.  Do I love them less?  Absolutely not!  I would have jumped in front of train for them long before they were legally mine...(many times during the two and a half year adoptive process I felt as if I was already doing so.)  But the natural close, affection didn't come for awhile.  It has taken time, work and effort on all of our parts.

He is working so hard!  My Sam!  I am so proud of him.  Working through this is part of his journey, he's not content to live in his pain.  He's willing to be uncomfortable.  He's willing to figure it out.   He is a thinker...about absolutely everything!  And his inability to be physically close to all of us has been bugging him for a long time.  We've discussed it.  This boy and I have been on a 3 year journey together laboring through the root of his pain, insecurity, and his difficulty in finding love and he has come so far.  As much as an almost 12-year old brain can comprehend, he understands he was abandoned, there is deep pain behind it, and he will spend a great deal of his life continuing his journey overcoming the issues caused therein. And he is willing to do it.

The other morning, all 3 of my youngest ended up in bed with me.  I had a busy day ahead, but I recognize these moments are rare, so we spent the morning together in my soft, warm, safe bed.  We read, giggled, and watched funny youtube videos together on my phone.  Two little boys who were practically strangers to me five years ago, spent the morning with me in a way that my other four children have done since birth.  A great deal was accomplished that morning!