Jealous

Have you ever loved someone who drives you crazy?  Someone who just annoys you to the "nth" degree?  Someone who is trying to push you away at every turn?  Most likely not.

 I do, and it's difficult.

People see my little boy and think, what a fun little kid he is, what personality.  He's affectionate, charming, and makes you feel wanted and loved right when you get to know him. You're special to him. And that feels good.  And he knows it.

My little boy looks for every opportunity to bond with anyone around who seems safe and responds to him.  Anything to deter his little brain from the idea that we will be his parents as long as he is alive on this earth.  This is a scary thought for him.  To know that ultimately, he has no choice and he will eventually have to invest his emotions in these two people he is trying to emotionally push away at almost every turn.  People who could eventually abandon him leaving him with deeper, possibly unrecoverable wounds than he incurred the first time he was abandoned.  The very wounds we battle every day to help him heal from.

Unless you are living inside this emotional whirlwind day in and day out, you will never see it. You see a pretty normal family adjusting pretty well.  Unless you are the one daily helping him process the emotional aches of the loss of his first family, you might think I'm crazy to say there are serious issues.  Why would he want to push us away?  These people who have proven themselves love worthy long before he was their son.

We have come a LOOOOONG way in the last 6 months.  Our trip to Haiti in July helped him let go of his first family (whom he doesn't even know, mind you) to the point that he now will more than entertain the idea that we are indeed those he needs to invest in for the long haul.  He is trying...he really is and I'm so proud of him for that.

This battle to bond doesn't come without a price.  He is scared. When children are afraid they run away from what they are afraid of not closer to it.   He does all he can to push us away and test our love for him.  But we work through it every day and every day he is a little less afraid that we too will leave him.  However, being pushed away by the one you are giving your all to hurts.

If I'm honest, I will admit that it hurts seeing him readily show affection to others who have invested so little in him.   Not that they don't care, they do.  But, you know what...they didn't move heaven and earth to make him their son!  We did!  It's a complicated emotion of guilt, pain, jealousy, and frustration.

The more I dig deep to understand my little boy's hurt and the more I get out of myself and into what agape love truly is, the less I take it personally and the more I understand my Father's pain when my affections so often wander away from Him.

As with all things in this journey, I am learning more about the One who created me to love. God watches us do this every day. He watches His children give their time, affections, their heart to meaningless undertakings when He is the one who literally moved heaven and earth to make us His children (Eph 1:3-5.) He adopted us.

 I think I'm starting to understand what He means when God calls Himself by the name Jealous (Ex. 34:14.)  Jealous doesn't begin to describe what I feel when my son expresses affection to others he would never dream of expressing to his family.  It's a deep, painful hurt. However, I can't make him love me.  He will someday have to choose it for himself, more and more each day as I do with God.  All I can do along the way is love him regardless, as God does with me.

This morning as I was making breakfast he said to me, "Mom, I really want to love you a lot, but right now I love you a little bit. (contemplative pause)  I think it will get bigger as I get bigger."  I love his honesty and his willingness to fight this  battle within himself.  And, just like my God, no matter how little he loves me, I just can't help but love him big!


(Side note:  Jillian Kittrell, administrator for Emmaus House does a great job of explaining some of the dynamics at orphanages that help this dynamic along in her blog: http://jilliansmissionaryconfessions.com/2014/01/06/wehavebeenacrutch/)

Six Months Home and One Year Home...All in One....Late

After each of my children were born, I felt like I couldn't remember my life before the nursing, diapers, and sleeplessness.  It seemed as though they had always been a part of us. This same dynamic has been there with my adopted children.  What was life like before I had Sam following me around most minutes of my day asking me where he can find more sticks to make kites?  Before sweet Alto came along to bless me with a hug every morning and then go on to break something that will need serious repair?  Was it quieter?  More peaceful?  Absolutely!  Was it more predictable, a little less exciting?  I'm pretty sure.  But I can't really remember....

A year ago Tony, Aubrey and I spent last Christmas in Haiti bringing these two into our family.  One may have noticed that the blog posts have been a bit sparse since then.  There is a perfectly legitimate reason for that.  People, this has been ONE HARD YEAR!  I'd love to share that our lives have been full of joy and happiness and a smooth transition, but a better description is a year of intense unprofessional therapeutic mama intervention.

A year later, we are a family.  It took awhile to feel that way.  We all felt a little like strangers trying to act as if we weren't.  But now, we are truly one unit.  We love together, argue together, receive consequences together, and fight together to love deeper every day.  But it's been a journey like none other that has brought me closer to every member of this family.  Namely, my champion of a husband!

 On a personal note, it's been a year of feeling isolated, distanced and separated from those whom I normally rely on for support.  Phone calls have been difficult and visits create more anxiety than relief.  No matter how I explain it, there is an aspect of this new life that those around me can't understand.  Which is OK.  What a blessing it has been learning to rely more on God and less on others, to understand how I already thought I was doing that, but wasn't.  What a blessing to learn how I'm NOT IN CONTROL...and it's better that way!

A year later, we are starting to have a recollection of what life was like before.  I can make phone calls, have bible studies, leave the kids occasionally.  But it will never be the same!  And I'm so grateful!

I plan on more blog posts addressing specific issues we have had to deal with and I am grateful to say, overcome, with God's grace.  But suffice it to say for this quick update that yes, it's been a rough year, however....the other day Sam voluntarily gave me a hug without any prompting!  I could write a book about that moment! Instead, I spent the next few minutes alone  in my room crying tears of pure and utter joy thanking God for a moment that pays back every agonizing day of this past year.

Here are a few pictures that depict nothing of what I just shared.  

This picture, however, depicts SOME of what I just shared....