Jealous

Have you ever loved someone who drives you crazy?  Someone who just annoys you to the "nth" degree?  Someone who is trying to push you away at every turn?  Most likely not.

 I do, and it's difficult.

People see my little boy and think, what a fun little kid he is, what personality.  He's affectionate, charming, and makes you feel wanted and loved right when you get to know him. You're special to him. And that feels good.  And he knows it.

My little boy looks for every opportunity to bond with anyone around who seems safe and responds to him.  Anything to deter his little brain from the idea that we will be his parents as long as he is alive on this earth.  This is a scary thought for him.  To know that ultimately, he has no choice and he will eventually have to invest his emotions in these two people he is trying to emotionally push away at almost every turn.  People who could eventually abandon him leaving him with deeper, possibly unrecoverable wounds than he incurred the first time he was abandoned.  The very wounds we battle every day to help him heal from.

Unless you are living inside this emotional whirlwind day in and day out, you will never see it. You see a pretty normal family adjusting pretty well.  Unless you are the one daily helping him process the emotional aches of the loss of his first family, you might think I'm crazy to say there are serious issues.  Why would he want to push us away?  These people who have proven themselves love worthy long before he was their son.

We have come a LOOOOONG way in the last 6 months.  Our trip to Haiti in July helped him let go of his first family (whom he doesn't even know, mind you) to the point that he now will more than entertain the idea that we are indeed those he needs to invest in for the long haul.  He is trying...he really is and I'm so proud of him for that.

This battle to bond doesn't come without a price.  He is scared. When children are afraid they run away from what they are afraid of not closer to it.   He does all he can to push us away and test our love for him.  But we work through it every day and every day he is a little less afraid that we too will leave him.  However, being pushed away by the one you are giving your all to hurts.

If I'm honest, I will admit that it hurts seeing him readily show affection to others who have invested so little in him.   Not that they don't care, they do.  But, you know what...they didn't move heaven and earth to make him their son!  We did!  It's a complicated emotion of guilt, pain, jealousy, and frustration.

The more I dig deep to understand my little boy's hurt and the more I get out of myself and into what agape love truly is, the less I take it personally and the more I understand my Father's pain when my affections so often wander away from Him.

As with all things in this journey, I am learning more about the One who created me to love. God watches us do this every day. He watches His children give their time, affections, their heart to meaningless undertakings when He is the one who literally moved heaven and earth to make us His children (Eph 1:3-5.) He adopted us.

 I think I'm starting to understand what He means when God calls Himself by the name Jealous (Ex. 34:14.)  Jealous doesn't begin to describe what I feel when my son expresses affection to others he would never dream of expressing to his family.  It's a deep, painful hurt. However, I can't make him love me.  He will someday have to choose it for himself, more and more each day as I do with God.  All I can do along the way is love him regardless, as God does with me.

This morning as I was making breakfast he said to me, "Mom, I really want to love you a lot, but right now I love you a little bit. (contemplative pause)  I think it will get bigger as I get bigger."  I love his honesty and his willingness to fight this  battle within himself.  And, just like my God, no matter how little he loves me, I just can't help but love him big!


(Side note:  Jillian Kittrell, administrator for Emmaus House does a great job of explaining some of the dynamics at orphanages that help this dynamic along in her blog: http://jilliansmissionaryconfessions.com/2014/01/06/wehavebeenacrutch/)

Six Months Home and One Year Home...All in One....Late

After each of my children were born, I felt like I couldn't remember my life before the nursing, diapers, and sleeplessness.  It seemed as though they had always been a part of us. This same dynamic has been there with my adopted children.  What was life like before I had Sam following me around most minutes of my day asking me where he can find more sticks to make kites?  Before sweet Alto came along to bless me with a hug every morning and then go on to break something that will need serious repair?  Was it quieter?  More peaceful?  Absolutely!  Was it more predictable, a little less exciting?  I'm pretty sure.  But I can't really remember....

A year ago Tony, Aubrey and I spent last Christmas in Haiti bringing these two into our family.  One may have noticed that the blog posts have been a bit sparse since then.  There is a perfectly legitimate reason for that.  People, this has been ONE HARD YEAR!  I'd love to share that our lives have been full of joy and happiness and a smooth transition, but a better description is a year of intense unprofessional therapeutic mama intervention.

A year later, we are a family.  It took awhile to feel that way.  We all felt a little like strangers trying to act as if we weren't.  But now, we are truly one unit.  We love together, argue together, receive consequences together, and fight together to love deeper every day.  But it's been a journey like none other that has brought me closer to every member of this family.  Namely, my champion of a husband!

 On a personal note, it's been a year of feeling isolated, distanced and separated from those whom I normally rely on for support.  Phone calls have been difficult and visits create more anxiety than relief.  No matter how I explain it, there is an aspect of this new life that those around me can't understand.  Which is OK.  What a blessing it has been learning to rely more on God and less on others, to understand how I already thought I was doing that, but wasn't.  What a blessing to learn how I'm NOT IN CONTROL...and it's better that way!

A year later, we are starting to have a recollection of what life was like before.  I can make phone calls, have bible studies, leave the kids occasionally.  But it will never be the same!  And I'm so grateful!

I plan on more blog posts addressing specific issues we have had to deal with and I am grateful to say, overcome, with God's grace.  But suffice it to say for this quick update that yes, it's been a rough year, however....the other day Sam voluntarily gave me a hug without any prompting!  I could write a book about that moment! Instead, I spent the next few minutes alone  in my room crying tears of pure and utter joy thanking God for a moment that pays back every agonizing day of this past year.

Here are a few pictures that depict nothing of what I just shared.  

This picture, however, depicts SOME of what I just shared....

I'm not a Runner

I run, but I am not a "runner".

During a conversation with a dear friend last year, the subject of running came up.  I don't recall the details of the conversation, but somehow she was prompted to make the following statement, "Tanya, you're not a runner."  Whaaat?  I run on a somewhat regular basis and participate in the occasional race. I do more than most people do.  I'm a runner.

 I didn't take the time to defend myself and I'm glad I didn't because I've reflected on what she was saying, and she was right. The title of "runner" is awarded only to those with the carved out calves, the discipline to rise at whatever time necessary and endure whatever weather necessary to get in their "long run," those who just by looking at them, you can tell; yup, she's a runner.  These people don't participate in the triviality of ipods and such.  They spend their time on the road keeping track of their pace, concentrating on their form, eyes fixed straight ahead,  it's a concentrated effort.

There are some distinct differences between me and "a runner:"

Me:  A run is something to be mostly endured, and rarely enjoyed so I make sure I have adequate entertainment so as to make my run as entertaining as possible. It's hard to get motivated if my ipod hasn't been updated in awhile.  I run outside when the weather is nice.  If the weather is inclement, to the warm, dry, gym I go.  Early morning runs only happen out of absolute necessity in the schedule.  I will do whatever it takes NOT to wake up at 5:00 AM!

Runner:  Focused on their pace, form, eyes fixed straight ahead.  The goal isn't to finish, but to win.  To compete.  There is little room for entertainment, the joy of running is found in growing ,enduring,  improving upon the last time, pace, or performance.

Hebrews 12:1-2 " Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Do you see the spiritual implications here? Sometimes, there isn't much difference in how I run spiritually and physically.  Sometimes, my motivation to follow Jesus is not what it should be.  When I look at the lives of our brothers and sisters discussed in the passage just prior to this (Heb 11:35-40) a spiritual life of comfort and entertainment is far from what I see.  Our brethren were tortured, mocked, imprisoned, stoned to name a few.  Following God is hard, painful, and most certainly inconvenient. The concerns that sometimes consume us;  Are they going to wait until August to turn on the air conditioner? or The sermon is WAY too long or boring or I'm just not being fed would have seemed ridiculous to these brethren.  They were "runners," focused, eyes fixed straight ahead.

 Was  Christianity ever intended to be entertaining?  Comfortable?   We want to attract people, so let's not make the service too early, long or meaty, and definitely lots of "programs" so people (and their kids) aren't bored.  Is the building updated, the preacher dynamic?

 Jesus asks you to LOVE your enemies, BLESS those who persecute you, leave your family and your own life.  If you've ever had to do any of that, it's hard stuff.  Jesus never talks about being comfortable or entertained as part of following Him.  When He called His disciples, they left EVERYTHING (Mark 10:28), and Jesus was good with that.  The New Testament writers are constantly encouraging us to endure to the end, to persevere, to stand firm among trials. They don't mention coming up with better programs, buildings, or entertainment to get more people to "come to church."

Is the joy of growth, endurance, and perseverance enough to keep us going in the race of our faith, or do we need something "more?"   It was enough for Jesus...with JOY he endured the cross.

As I've reflected on all of this, it's challenged me, not to become a "runner" per se, as I'm content with my ipod, sometimes slacking form, and not running in the snow in February.  It has, however, challenged me spiritually.  If someone looked at my life, would they see me as the "real deal" when it comes to my faith?

 Before any race I run, as I look out among the crowd of people stretching and warming up, I like to try to pick who the winner will be.  That person NEVER looks like me.  It's always a "runner."

I Corinthians 9:24 "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it."

Where do you find joy in the spiritual race you are running?  Is it in the temporal things of this earthly life, or in your growth, endurance, and standing firm?


So....Tanya, Why do you run? one may ask.  Well, On October 27, I will drive myself to Texas to run a marathon to benefit 17 very special young people who have grown near and dear to my heart over the last 4 years, the youth of Emmaus House.  My goal is to raise $10,000. Raising money is not my spiritual gift, so I have to resort to sacrificing my body.  So, over the next couple of months, you may hear a lot about this from me on facebook and otherwise.  I apologize for the harassment in advance, but running a marathon is a big deal so I want to make the most of it...help me out. Here is the link to donate.  ANY amount helps!  (Feel free to click on the highlights for more information.)

Here is a short video the guys helped me make in Haiti to promote this whole thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-kyLL1zGP0

Here are some behind the scenes shots:

As you can tell, we aren't taking running too seriously.  Prayerfully, the same thing won't be said of our faith.

What We've Learned in the Last 5 Months

It has been 5 months since the life of our family has been forever changed.  There has been so much to struggle through and so much to learn...for ALL eight of us.  Here are a few random tidbits of wisdom gained from all of our lives.

1.  It is actually necessary to wear the appropriate amount of clothing when it is below zero degrees outside.
2.  There will always be plenty of food (and water) for everyone.
3.  Hitting, kicking, biting, and scratching do nothing but cause more problems.
4.  The dog does not like being picked up by his head.
5.  You don't have to always be "on top."
6.  It is possible to play UNO without a full deck in America too.
7.  Mom gets a hug from EVERY kid EVERY morning...this is non-negotiable.
8.  Broccoli tastes good (this one took awhile.)
9.  Hearing "I love you" every day is uncomfortable at first...but you get used to it.
10.  It's OK to stop life for awhile and enjoy being a family.
11.  Being vulnerable is hard, but worth it if you have the guts.
12.  I have one amazing "step up to the plate" husband!
13.  If you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, zombies will not kill you.
14.  When you do wake up in the middle of the night, DON'T turn the light on and wake up your brother.
15.  When you wake up at 4:30 AM, everyone else does not want to be woken up to play with you.
16.  It is possible to break elements on our vehicle I didn't know were breakable.
17.  Wife beater shirts are way cool and should be worn every day for every occasion.
18.  We are all more selfish than we thought we were.
19.  Haitians prefer cold showers even when given the option to take a warm one.
20.  We are going to have to wait about 12 more years before our house is clean again (and it's OK.)

Our Kids are Getting Older...

The following is a post I wrote for a blog for Emmaus House, a transition house in Haiti I have been blessed to help start.    As my kiddos are getting older and entering adulthood, I can't help but consider that so is the rest of the world.  The rest of the world's children are growing up just like mine.  Many don't have the incredible blessing of a mom (like mine and many of yours do) to guide them through this defining decade that will determine the outcome of the rest of their lives. 

Back when I was a physically exhausted young mother with four children all under seven, a wiser, older friend named Debbie callously said to me, “When they are teens, they are going to need you more than they do now.”  How could these hyperactive, limit testing, trouble seeking, completely dependent human beings possibly need me more…ever? No way! When my kids are older, I was headed back to work full time…I was going to get my identity back. Surely there was light at the end of this tunnel.

Fast-forward almost a decade and as a mother of two teenagers, my good friend Debbie was 100% right. A talk about a lie with a two-year old takes about 2 minutes, whereas that same conversation with a teenager is a minimum two-hour ordeal. My two older kids need me more now than they ever have. And, honestly, I don't see an end in sight.  I am on call 24/7 for any dramatic issues that may erupt at any point (Be it 2 AM or in the mid afternoon rush of making dinner.) They require my undivided attention regardless of what I may be trying to accomplish at that moment with regard to my own responsibilities.  As I longed for their little fingers to let go of mine to take those first steps of independence, now I see myself wanting to say, “Wait, come back, you’re not ready.” Ready or not, at a certain age, adulthood sneaks up and you have to let them go.   

My teens are embarking on the responsibility of adulthood where their lives and souls are at stake. Adulthood- where I will no longer be there to “monitor” every moment of their life, where the consequences for their actions can be life changing or even life threatening.   

The teens of Emmaus House are in the very same boat, except they suffer the seemingly insurmountable deficit of not having loving parents to guide them along the way. They are embarking on the rest of their lives knowing very little about how to survive the harshness of life in Haiti. They need education, life skills, confidence, and a passion for God.

As we embark on the mission of Emmaus House and God’s plan for our young adults, I was seeking counsel from a much older, wiser Christian man who has run an orphanage in Africa for years.  He said to me, “It’s tough raising money for those older kids. People don’t feel sorry for them anymore.”  He may be right.  People always seem ready to step up and give to a pathetic, dirty looking two-year old with flies swarming round (as seen on TV). However, a well-kept teen deceivingly looks to have their needs met. It’s a bit tougher raising money to help older children and young adults. Like me as a young mother, we are deceived into thinking they don’t need us as much as they did when they were younger. 

Just like our own children, the teens of CHCH need us now more than they ever have. The adult unemployment rate in Haiti is 80%. We are praying and working diligently to ensure that this will not be the case for our young people as they transition into the huge responsibility of life in Haiti. We are working to ensure they will be able to contribute to and work diligently for the church in their home country. We want to give them every chance to succeed. They need your prayers, your love, and your support just as much now, if not more, than when they were younger.

Currently, we are trying to raise the money for start up costs.   The first thing we need is a house for the youth to live in.  If you'd like to help, here's your chance!

"How are You Doing?"

Almost daily someone asks me "How's it going?"  "How are the boys adjusting?"
 "Better than I expected," or "Today was a good day," are my typical and truthful responses.  So many people pray for and love our family and I'm grateful for people who care enough to ask.

However, a question I don't get quite as often is "How are you doing?"  A dear friend popped this normally casual question on me the other night after Bible study and for some reason it hit me hard.  This isn't a question I get asked often and it took my breath away.  After the week I'd had, at that moment, the typical positive responses just weren't going to cut it.  I simply got quiet, stared blankly into space, fought the tears back, and debated whether or not she was ready for and had the time to listen to the real answer.  She did take the time and I shared a tiny part of the recent struggles in our household; a  sweaty and teary battle with a certain 8-year old that ended in both of us falling asleep in the middle of the floor, for one.

We are truly blessed beyond measure and I WILL NOT complain.  However, this raising 6 kids, two with a troubled background is really hard.  That's not easy for me to say in a world where mothers struggle every day just to feed their children or worse yet, watch them die...those are the moms who are allowed to call mothering hard.   I was literally raised on the idea of if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger, so I tend to be one to just suck it up, deal with it and try to move on. But answering my friend's question suddenly forced me to venture into a buried place of honesty with myself.  I've been fighting the reality of my situation because I know of mothers in my very situation who have it so much worse, some even having to dissolve their adoptions. Still, the longer you are a mom and the more kids you have, the less life is about YOU.  Our family's struggle is nowhere near that of others, but it's still very difficult and I'm learning it's OK to say that out loud (or type it for the world to see.)

I don't know of anywhere in the Bible where somebody asks Jesus how He is doing, so we don't really get to see how He would respond to that question at any given time in His life. He was surrounded by thousands who were seeking Him out to meet their needs.  Not too many people were concerned about what Jesus needed from what I can tell.  I really wonder how He would answer the question, "By the way, Jesus, how are you doing?"  Jesus had needs just like us (Heb 4:15.)  He was exhausted, tired, and dare I say, discouraged.  Still, no record of anyone asking Him how He is fairing through it all.

During the last grueling week of His life He spent His nights in Bethany with His dear friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus and then headed to Jerusalem every morning to be tested by the Pharisees knowing the week was to eventually end in His torture and death.  Definitely a tougher week than I've ever had.  I wonder if these dear friends who loved Jesus ever asked,  "How are you doing?"  He must have come to them every evening worn and weary.  I wonder how He would have answered.   Would He take the time to really bear the struggles He was having with another?  We have no way of knowing, but we do know that when the time came for His heart to cry out in agony, when He was in Gethsemane,  He entrusted His pain and struggle to the One who could truly help.  When Jesus struggled, He didn't "suck it up" or go into pulling up bootstraps mode.  He trusted and cried out to His Father...the comforter of all.

I don't have a local foreign adoption support group full of people who "get it"  and offer an empathetic shoulder to cry on. But I do have God's provision.  His family to offer not always what I want, but what I need.  He is my Father and I'm learning more than I ever have to trust Him with my hurts.  After 20 years of following Him, one would think I would get that by now.

How do you think Jesus would have responded to the question "How are you doing?"

Pecking Order

Pecking Order: the basic pattern of social organization within a flock of poultry in which each bird pecks another lower in the scale without fear of retaliation and submits to pecking by one of higher rank; broadly : a dominance hierarchy in a group of social animals.





Let me quote from my last blog post: "Everyone is slowly beginning to understand each other and the tension is progressively easing." Well, maybe on the day that I wrote this, that was the case. Not so much this last week. Not complaining in the least, mind you...just tellin' ya like it is.


My little chicks are determining the social hierarchy of our household. A close friend with 5 boys has always told me about this "pecking order" phenomenon with boys, but I didn't really understand until now how the mix of testosterone and good old fashioned sibling rivalry can easily have a Mama in a dead sleep by 8:00 PM every night. Thankfully, the understanding is clear that Mom and Dad are on top. However, everyone else determining where they stand may become the cause of my eventual institutionalization. I have 4 children who are all close to the same size and within 3 years of age (yes, I know I chose it.) None of them are willing to concede any position in the hierarchy other than the top. From time to time even the older 2 have to take a turn vying for their position.


It's absolutely exhausting!


Feel free to judge. The Dr. putting stitches in my oldest son's chin did as he looked in detest at the culprit who stabbed him with the pencil causing said injury. To say the least, it's been a rough week. Trying to make peace and explaining everyone's side of every situation (over and over) makes me weary. The constant analyzing, reading, thinking, praying, learning, growing, and making mistakes takes it's toll. And it's only just begun. I am confident that within a year things will be somewhat of a new normal...at least that's what "they" say. The boys will eventually have normal arguments that don't involve trips to the doctor's office.


Not every day is like this. Today was a good day. The boys made kites together, played in the snow together, Cameron helped Sam with school (and he let him,) and sweet Alto even made Caleb's bed for him today.


We are immensely blessed!









Alto's first birthday at home...with all 5 of his ever loving siblings!





This phenomenon of determining pecking order can be seen not only in families, but in work places, the church, everywhere. Where there are people, the sin of selfish ambition will follow. If you are currently vying for your position in some type of social order, first of all...be grateful that our Father never gets weary or tired (Is.40:28) like I am; and second, let me encourage you to take a lesson from Jesus, who in Philippians 2:3-11, gave us an example by voluntarily bringing Himself down to the very bottom of the pecking order (vs.7) when He was, by nature, at the absolute very top (vs.6).


Hey, I think I just found our new memory verses!!!