How Can I Help?

I am so grateful for the response from my last post.  I am most grateful that so many came out and sincerely asked, "Okay...so what CAN I do to be helpful to these families?"  I was touched by the many people who want to truly help in the right way so as not to inadvertently and unknowingly create more damage.

 Here are some practical ideas for you to truly help a family dealing with traumatized children.

1.  Trust mom (and dad) to know what is best.  Even when she seems like an irrational psycho, just trust that she really does love her children and wants what is best for them and her family.  Don't judge her when she asks you not to hug her child, or get her children their food, or when she takes her kid out for ice cream instead of disciplining them for poor behavior, or she seems to be irrationally nagging her child about behavior that may seem normal to you.  Please ask why with a heart to understand.  And be ready to sit for awhile, because the explanations are not brief or simple.

2.  Some parents like offers to bring meals or clean the house.  A close friend once wisely said to me, "The best way to help people is simply do what they ask."   I am one who feels that feeding my family and cleaning my house is a regular part of living my life (even with the added challenge of my trauma kids) and I need to figure that out on my own.  Other families very much appreciate not having to think about dinner once in awhile amidst a crazy day of meltdowns, arguing, and emotional stress.  Just do what they ask.

3.  Pray for them and let them know you are praying for them.  It does my heart good knowing that others are entering the throne room of God to ask Him to assist me in this battle.

4.  Listen!  If a mom wants to explain a part of this struggle to you, please take a moment to truly listen and learn.  She doesn't have a lot of spare time on her hands and is most likely telling you because she trusts you with intimate information about her family and she wants you to know.  Or...maybe she just needs to vent.  Don't expect to understand fully what she is going through.  It's okay that you don't understand.  You really can't unless you have lived it so she doesn't expect you to.  But having someone to listen and be aware of what is going on and why is priceless.

5.  Don't ask adopted children or their parents about the birth family.  "What happened to his parents?"  "Why were they left at the orphanage?"  I understand these questions come from a heart of curiosity and there is no malintent involved.   However, you are asking very deep and personal questions about what has wrecked the heart of my children.  Children oftentimes don't understand what happened themselves and will give you very wrong information.  They often fantasize or make up stories about their history.  Their story is theirs to share when they are of age to process it correctly and share with those whom they trust.

6.  Acknowledge the struggle.  Recognize that their situation is unique in many ways.  Ask how mom is doing...not how "things" are going.  There is a big difference in those two questions.

7.  If you are really motivated, do some reading.  One of many books I would recommend that have been extremely helpful is:
      The Connected Child:  Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karyn Purvis 
     
     If you aren't up for a book, a visit to this website and watching a few short videos would be very      helpful as well.  These are the resources many of us are using and are familiar with.


Whatever you do...DON'T SHUT THEM OUT!  Sometimes these moms are difficult to maintain a relationship with.  Please try.   A big thank you to all who care enough to take time to support, love and go the extra mile to understand families working through these struggles every day.  You are a critical piece to ministering to orphans and widows (James 1:27.)