Mother's Day - A Mixed Bag

I have mixed feelings about Mother's Day.

I scroll through Facebook and see the perfect pictures of homemade cards, breakfasts made, flowers, etc. It's nice, ideal...how it should be.  Then, as I scroll through a group's page that I'm in - a group of moms who are parenting children from hard places through some pretty tough stuff, I'm painfully reminded of this fallen world we live in.  Their posts consist of broken flower pots, children who live to sabotage every special occasion with their tantrums, a mom breaking down in tears in the middle of a restaurant, moms who have incurred bite marks and bruises from the very children they work so hard to love.  Mother's Day is beyond hard for some.

Infertility.
Abandonment.
Children lost.
Mothers lost.

For a million other reasons.

As an adoptive mom, Mother's Day is different for me than it used to be. I spent several Mother's Days hurting that two of my children weren't yet a part of us.  I have spent subsequent Mother's Days considering the questions, thoughts and feelings of two of my children regarding moms they have lost, reminding myself not to take their rejection of me personally.  I hurt for their birth mothers who have experienced a great loss as well.  It's all just a whole lot more complicated than it used to be.

Then, I remember.  For 18 years, there is not a single thing about being a mom that has ever been about me.

The first time I was referred to as "Aubrey's mom" in lieu of my real name, I realized my identity had completely been altered forever.  Even Mother's Day has never really been about me.  The kids don't magically start picking their clothes up off the floor, they don't just morph into compliant, non argumentative humans (as my oldest son reminded me yesterday.)  Not even for this one day.  Big picture...they don't exist to better my life, I exist to better theirs. no matter how difficult.  Although there is not a more thankless, selfless and painful job than being a mother, it's a job I am blessed to have.  Despite the fact that even this one day sometimes isn't always all it should be, I am reminded that they are worth every sacrifice and heartache. Six times over.

Highlights from this year's Mother's Day:

1.  My oldest daughter posting her gratefulness for me to the Facebook world. It doesn't get better than this.

2.  My youngest daughter spending her hard earned money to buy her brother new shin guards for his birthday...and an awesome shirt for me declaring my ultimate awesomeness as a mom.

3.  The following conversation with my second born son about to enter high school next year:
Me:  "How would you feel if I started substitute teaching at your school next year?"
Him:   "That would be awesome!  Then I could come and hug you anytime I want!"

4.  Dinner with some of my favorite and most inspiring moms on the planet.  Thank you, ladies!

5.  A very special homemade card from my Sam that left me in tears for a good while.  We've both worked really hard to get here:

Learning What Should Come Natural

We are a close knit family. My kids, even my teens WANT to be with me...all the time.  I can barely sit down on the couch without at least one of my six children, the dog, and the cat instantly glued to my side.  As I write this, my 18 year old lays on my bed next to me, weary from a long day.  Of course, she has her own bed, but there's something warm, safe, and extra comfortable about our bed.  At least that's what they all tell me.  On the occasion I am still in bed in the morning when my kids get up, I almost always wake up to a soft, sweet, 11 year old girl lying next to me.

My Sam has observed this natural intimacy in our family for a long time.  And he is at a point where he desperately wants to be a part of it. He doesn't quite know how, it's uncomfortable.  It isn't natural for him at all...the vulnerability that comes with intimacy.  He knows what the dance steps look like, he witnesses it every day, however dancing himself just doesn't feel natural to him.  Trusting another person, a person who is in charge of you with your affection is scary when those responsible for your care in the past have not proven themselves trustworthy.

Gracie with me in the morning.

Then it happened...I woke up to a courageous, squiggling little brown boy next to me.  There he was, just as uncomfortable as he could be.  WORKING at this intimacy that comes with being a part of our family.  I wanted to cry.  Instead, we discussed his recent achievement of 50 juggles with a soccer ball.

Something not often voiced in adoption circles is that it's just plain awkward at times.  Awkward for him, and awkward for me, for all of us.  I could write a book on forced, awkward hugs.   For many adoptive families, the natural intimacy they feel with their biological children isn't automatically there with their adoptive children.  For many of us who adopt older children, those deep feelings of affection takes work and time.  The moment my biological children were born, an instant, inseparable bond was there.  Bring on the train for me to jump in front of to save their lives! This close affection has had to be built over the last five years with my adopted boys.  Do I love them less?  Absolutely not!  I would have jumped in front of train for them long before they were legally mine...(many times during the two and a half year adoptive process I felt as if I was already doing so.)  But the natural close, affection didn't come for awhile.  It has taken time, work and effort on all of our parts.

He is working so hard!  My Sam!  I am so proud of him.  Working through this is part of his journey, he's not content to live in his pain.  He's willing to be uncomfortable.  He's willing to figure it out.   He is a thinker...about absolutely everything!  And his inability to be physically close to all of us has been bugging him for a long time.  We've discussed it.  This boy and I have been on a 3 year journey together laboring through the root of his pain, insecurity, and his difficulty in finding love and he has come so far.  As much as an almost 12-year old brain can comprehend, he understands he was abandoned, there is deep pain behind it, and he will spend a great deal of his life continuing his journey overcoming the issues caused therein. And he is willing to do it.

The other morning, all 3 of my youngest ended up in bed with me.  I had a busy day ahead, but I recognize these moments are rare, so we spent the morning together in my soft, warm, safe bed.  We read, giggled, and watched funny youtube videos together on my phone.  Two little boys who were practically strangers to me five years ago, spent the morning with me in a way that my other four children have done since birth.  A great deal was accomplished that morning!

How Can I Help?

I am so grateful for the response from my last post.  I am most grateful that so many came out and sincerely asked, "Okay...so what CAN I do to be helpful to these families?"  I was touched by the many people who want to truly help in the right way so as not to inadvertently and unknowingly create more damage.

 Here are some practical ideas for you to truly help a family dealing with traumatized children.

1.  Trust mom (and dad) to know what is best.  Even when she seems like an irrational psycho, just trust that she really does love her children and wants what is best for them and her family.  Don't judge her when she asks you not to hug her child, or get her children their food, or when she takes her kid out for ice cream instead of disciplining them for poor behavior, or she seems to be irrationally nagging her child about behavior that may seem normal to you.  Please ask why with a heart to understand.  And be ready to sit for awhile, because the explanations are not brief or simple.

2.  Some parents like offers to bring meals or clean the house.  A close friend once wisely said to me, "The best way to help people is simply do what they ask."   I am one who feels that feeding my family and cleaning my house is a regular part of living my life (even with the added challenge of my trauma kids) and I need to figure that out on my own.  Other families very much appreciate not having to think about dinner once in awhile amidst a crazy day of meltdowns, arguing, and emotional stress.  Just do what they ask.

3.  Pray for them and let them know you are praying for them.  It does my heart good knowing that others are entering the throne room of God to ask Him to assist me in this battle.

4.  Listen!  If a mom wants to explain a part of this struggle to you, please take a moment to truly listen and learn.  She doesn't have a lot of spare time on her hands and is most likely telling you because she trusts you with intimate information about her family and she wants you to know.  Or...maybe she just needs to vent.  Don't expect to understand fully what she is going through.  It's okay that you don't understand.  You really can't unless you have lived it so she doesn't expect you to.  But having someone to listen and be aware of what is going on and why is priceless.

5.  Don't ask adopted children or their parents about the birth family.  "What happened to his parents?"  "Why were they left at the orphanage?"  I understand these questions come from a heart of curiosity and there is no malintent involved.   However, you are asking very deep and personal questions about what has wrecked the heart of my children.  Children oftentimes don't understand what happened themselves and will give you very wrong information.  They often fantasize or make up stories about their history.  Their story is theirs to share when they are of age to process it correctly and share with those whom they trust.

6.  Acknowledge the struggle.  Recognize that their situation is unique in many ways.  Ask how mom is doing...not how "things" are going.  There is a big difference in those two questions.

7.  If you are really motivated, do some reading.  One of many books I would recommend that have been extremely helpful is:
      The Connected Child:  Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karyn Purvis 
     
     If you aren't up for a book, a visit to this website and watching a few short videos would be very      helpful as well.  These are the resources many of us are using and are familiar with.


Whatever you do...DON'T SHUT THEM OUT!  Sometimes these moms are difficult to maintain a relationship with.  Please try.   A big thank you to all who care enough to take time to support, love and go the extra mile to understand families working through these struggles every day.  You are a critical piece to ministering to orphans and widows (James 1:27.)


      
     
     

Please Don't Correct me Correcting my Kids

I am normally very open to criticism.  As I flounder through this world of parenting I need all the help I can get.  I am constantly seeking the advice of those who have done this thing right, as well as those who haven't but wish they had.  If I'm seriously doing something to mess up my kids, I'd like to be the first to know about it so I can change it before it's too late.

However, when it comes to my Haitian children, unless you have walked in my shoes or have professional experience I more than likely will withhold asking your opinion on how to handle them.  This is in no way intended to be rude, but you simply don't understand and you will make the wrong call almost every time because you will want to parent them as you would a child who hasn't endured the trauma and issues with attachment they have.   Despite how long you have been a parent, I more than likely know more about what is best in any given situation regarding them than you do. Soo....

Unless you have put hours and hours into studying the affects of trauma on the infant and childhood brain, I don't want to hear it.

Unless you have endured daily meltdowns from my children and sweated, talked, hugged and worked through it with them for hours, I don't want to hear it.

Unless you have already tried the traditional parenting strategies over and over to see them fail and worsen the issues, I don't want to hear it.


4 simple things you DON'T understand about my children:

1.  His need to manipulate and control is insatiable.  And you will not see him doing it...I do.
      So when you see me correcting how slow he is in getting into the car, or putting his shoes on, please don't ask me to be patient with him.  Everything must be on his time so as to show HE is in control, not others.  Allow me to correct him in a way that shows I love him, I am in control and he  is truly better off that way.

2.  He wants YOU to be his mother.
      When my child wants a play date at your house, I will more than likely decline.  My son wants desperately to be a part of your family (whoever you are...) so as not to have to do the hard work of trusting his own family to love and care for him.  This sounds crazy to you, but it is so very true...please trust me.  There are some people who are a threat to our bonding as a family and some who aren't.  Time spent with certain people will throw him into a tizzy that takes a great deal of time, love, and patience to work through to bring him back to a place where he wants me to be his mom again.  Please trust me to decide what is best regarding with who and how he spends his time..

3.  He doesn't trust adults.  Any of them.  Ever.  Not you, not me.
        My children truly think they know more than you or I do about everything.  So when his soccer coach tells him how to play his position, he won't do it.  He truly believes he knows more than the coach and what is best so he is in CONTROL.  As a young child, adults around him rarely had his best interest at heart.  He has learned to rely on himself as they proved unreliable at almost every turn.  He is slowly learning what he never learned as a young child;  God intended for adults to protect, love and nurture him.  He now lives in a world where adults being in control is what is best for him because they are reliable and he can depend on them.

4.  Issues with food are real, difficult, and irrational.
     When you see me correcting what you may perceive as the nit pickiest little thing about how and what they eat, it's because I have a wealth of information you are not privy to.  You haven't seen the true fear in their eyes when they find out a meal might be delayed or when others are helping themselves to pizza and quantities are diminishing. You haven't seen the obsession with food that, without intervention, would quickly take over their lives in a truly dysfunctional way.  My children have suffered true hunger in a way your children never have.  Food will incite their survival instinct faster than anything else.  I am using food to teach them to trust.

Lest you think I write this post in vain, let me share one of many experiences with you.  People, strangers even, feel the need to correct my parenting of these two on a regular basis and feel the need to intervene in ways they never would have regarding my biological children.  For example, After my 10 year old son deliberately and harshly splashed a toddler in the face at a public pool, I gave him a stern talking to and had him sit out of the pool in the shade for awhile.  He later pointed out a lady who came to him while he was sitting down and asked him if I was his mother, if he was alright, and if he needed help.  This lady has no idea that she played right into his manipulative, controlling, little hand.  His hand of wanting to manipulate any given situation where he is in control, appearing as a victim of undue parental aggression in his life, and bonding with strangers instead of his family.  She had NO idea the damage she incurred that I spent the next however long undoing.

I've stopped trying to explain to people.  I'm tired of being brushed off as an over-thinking, over-analytical, over-protective, irrational mother who is blowing things out of proportion. When I say I need to be the one to fix his plate at potluck, I do.  When I say he can't ride in your car with you to the store, he can't.  When I say he needs to sit by me instead of you or your child, he does.  I'm not being over-anything, I am simply trying to help our family survive and teach my children how to love and be loved.  I'm simply trying to avoid a meltdown that you won't be there to deal with the next day.

 I could explain to you the reasoning behind all of this dysfunction and I welcome the invitation to educate however I can.  There are thousands of families dealing with adopted children, children from foster care, or children who have endured a great deal of trauma in their little lives who would love for you to understand and support them better.  However, that is another blog.  I simply want to put this out there so those who don't deal with kids like mine on a regular basis can understand better how to support and help families who do.

We have progressed immensely together over the last 3 years, our family.  All of us have grown in our capacity for compassion, understanding, and unconditional love.  I'm so proud of all of my children and my husband who have worked so hard to understand, tolerate, and learn to love each other.  I am grateful to those around us who do understand, who have been a pillar when I have needed it.  I am grateful for those who don't understand but have taken the time to listen, put their hurt feelings aside and trust that I know what's best.  And I'm thankful for the lady at the pool, who gave me an opportunity to educate a little bit about this crazed world that we who have taken on this adventure live in every day.

Jealous

Have you ever loved someone who drives you crazy?  Someone who just annoys you to the "nth" degree?  Someone who is trying to push you away at every turn?  Most likely not.

 I do, and it's difficult.

People see my little boy and think, what a fun little kid he is, what personality.  He's affectionate, charming, and makes you feel wanted and loved right when you get to know him. You're special to him. And that feels good.  And he knows it.

My little boy looks for every opportunity to bond with anyone around who seems safe and responds to him.  Anything to deter his little brain from the idea that we will be his parents as long as he is alive on this earth.  This is a scary thought for him.  To know that ultimately, he has no choice and he will eventually have to invest his emotions in these two people he is trying to emotionally push away at almost every turn.  People who could eventually abandon him leaving him with deeper, possibly unrecoverable wounds than he incurred the first time he was abandoned.  The very wounds we battle every day to help him heal from.

Unless you are living inside this emotional whirlwind day in and day out, you will never see it. You see a pretty normal family adjusting pretty well.  Unless you are the one daily helping him process the emotional aches of the loss of his first family, you might think I'm crazy to say there are serious issues.  Why would he want to push us away?  These people who have proven themselves love worthy long before he was their son.

We have come a LOOOOONG way in the last 6 months.  Our trip to Haiti in July helped him let go of his first family (whom he doesn't even know, mind you) to the point that he now will more than entertain the idea that we are indeed those he needs to invest in for the long haul.  He is trying...he really is and I'm so proud of him for that.

This battle to bond doesn't come without a price.  He is scared. When children are afraid they run away from what they are afraid of not closer to it.   He does all he can to push us away and test our love for him.  But we work through it every day and every day he is a little less afraid that we too will leave him.  However, being pushed away by the one you are giving your all to hurts.

If I'm honest, I will admit that it hurts seeing him readily show affection to others who have invested so little in him.   Not that they don't care, they do.  But, you know what...they didn't move heaven and earth to make him their son!  We did!  It's a complicated emotion of guilt, pain, jealousy, and frustration.

The more I dig deep to understand my little boy's hurt and the more I get out of myself and into what agape love truly is, the less I take it personally and the more I understand my Father's pain when my affections so often wander away from Him.

As with all things in this journey, I am learning more about the One who created me to love. God watches us do this every day. He watches His children give their time, affections, their heart to meaningless undertakings when He is the one who literally moved heaven and earth to make us His children (Eph 1:3-5.) He adopted us.

 I think I'm starting to understand what He means when God calls Himself by the name Jealous (Ex. 34:14.)  Jealous doesn't begin to describe what I feel when my son expresses affection to others he would never dream of expressing to his family.  It's a deep, painful hurt. However, I can't make him love me.  He will someday have to choose it for himself, more and more each day as I do with God.  All I can do along the way is love him regardless, as God does with me.

This morning as I was making breakfast he said to me, "Mom, I really want to love you a lot, but right now I love you a little bit. (contemplative pause)  I think it will get bigger as I get bigger."  I love his honesty and his willingness to fight this  battle within himself.  And, just like my God, no matter how little he loves me, I just can't help but love him big!


(Side note:  Jillian Kittrell, administrator for Emmaus House does a great job of explaining some of the dynamics at orphanages that help this dynamic along in her blog: http://jilliansmissionaryconfessions.com/2014/01/06/wehavebeenacrutch/)

Six Months Home and One Year Home...All in One....Late

After each of my children were born, I felt like I couldn't remember my life before the nursing, diapers, and sleeplessness.  It seemed as though they had always been a part of us. This same dynamic has been there with my adopted children.  What was life like before I had Sam following me around most minutes of my day asking me where he can find more sticks to make kites?  Before sweet Alto came along to bless me with a hug every morning and then go on to break something that will need serious repair?  Was it quieter?  More peaceful?  Absolutely!  Was it more predictable, a little less exciting?  I'm pretty sure.  But I can't really remember....

A year ago Tony, Aubrey and I spent last Christmas in Haiti bringing these two into our family.  One may have noticed that the blog posts have been a bit sparse since then.  There is a perfectly legitimate reason for that.  People, this has been ONE HARD YEAR!  I'd love to share that our lives have been full of joy and happiness and a smooth transition, but a better description is a year of intense unprofessional therapeutic mama intervention.

A year later, we are a family.  It took awhile to feel that way.  We all felt a little like strangers trying to act as if we weren't.  But now, we are truly one unit.  We love together, argue together, receive consequences together, and fight together to love deeper every day.  But it's been a journey like none other that has brought me closer to every member of this family.  Namely, my champion of a husband!

 On a personal note, it's been a year of feeling isolated, distanced and separated from those whom I normally rely on for support.  Phone calls have been difficult and visits create more anxiety than relief.  No matter how I explain it, there is an aspect of this new life that those around me can't understand.  Which is OK.  What a blessing it has been learning to rely more on God and less on others, to understand how I already thought I was doing that, but wasn't.  What a blessing to learn how I'm NOT IN CONTROL...and it's better that way!

A year later, we are starting to have a recollection of what life was like before.  I can make phone calls, have bible studies, leave the kids occasionally.  But it will never be the same!  And I'm so grateful!

I plan on more blog posts addressing specific issues we have had to deal with and I am grateful to say, overcome, with God's grace.  But suffice it to say for this quick update that yes, it's been a rough year, however....the other day Sam voluntarily gave me a hug without any prompting!  I could write a book about that moment! Instead, I spent the next few minutes alone  in my room crying tears of pure and utter joy thanking God for a moment that pays back every agonizing day of this past year.

Here are a few pictures that depict nothing of what I just shared.  

This picture, however, depicts SOME of what I just shared....

I'm not a Runner

I run, but I am not a "runner".

During a conversation with a dear friend last year, the subject of running came up.  I don't recall the details of the conversation, but somehow she was prompted to make the following statement, "Tanya, you're not a runner."  Whaaat?  I run on a somewhat regular basis and participate in the occasional race. I do more than most people do.  I'm a runner.

 I didn't take the time to defend myself and I'm glad I didn't because I've reflected on what she was saying, and she was right. The title of "runner" is awarded only to those with the carved out calves, the discipline to rise at whatever time necessary and endure whatever weather necessary to get in their "long run," those who just by looking at them, you can tell; yup, she's a runner.  These people don't participate in the triviality of ipods and such.  They spend their time on the road keeping track of their pace, concentrating on their form, eyes fixed straight ahead,  it's a concentrated effort.

There are some distinct differences between me and "a runner:"

Me:  A run is something to be mostly endured, and rarely enjoyed so I make sure I have adequate entertainment so as to make my run as entertaining as possible. It's hard to get motivated if my ipod hasn't been updated in awhile.  I run outside when the weather is nice.  If the weather is inclement, to the warm, dry, gym I go.  Early morning runs only happen out of absolute necessity in the schedule.  I will do whatever it takes NOT to wake up at 5:00 AM!

Runner:  Focused on their pace, form, eyes fixed straight ahead.  The goal isn't to finish, but to win.  To compete.  There is little room for entertainment, the joy of running is found in growing ,enduring,  improving upon the last time, pace, or performance.

Hebrews 12:1-2 " Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Do you see the spiritual implications here? Sometimes, there isn't much difference in how I run spiritually and physically.  Sometimes, my motivation to follow Jesus is not what it should be.  When I look at the lives of our brothers and sisters discussed in the passage just prior to this (Heb 11:35-40) a spiritual life of comfort and entertainment is far from what I see.  Our brethren were tortured, mocked, imprisoned, stoned to name a few.  Following God is hard, painful, and most certainly inconvenient. The concerns that sometimes consume us;  Are they going to wait until August to turn on the air conditioner? or The sermon is WAY too long or boring or I'm just not being fed would have seemed ridiculous to these brethren.  They were "runners," focused, eyes fixed straight ahead.

 Was  Christianity ever intended to be entertaining?  Comfortable?   We want to attract people, so let's not make the service too early, long or meaty, and definitely lots of "programs" so people (and their kids) aren't bored.  Is the building updated, the preacher dynamic?

 Jesus asks you to LOVE your enemies, BLESS those who persecute you, leave your family and your own life.  If you've ever had to do any of that, it's hard stuff.  Jesus never talks about being comfortable or entertained as part of following Him.  When He called His disciples, they left EVERYTHING (Mark 10:28), and Jesus was good with that.  The New Testament writers are constantly encouraging us to endure to the end, to persevere, to stand firm among trials. They don't mention coming up with better programs, buildings, or entertainment to get more people to "come to church."

Is the joy of growth, endurance, and perseverance enough to keep us going in the race of our faith, or do we need something "more?"   It was enough for Jesus...with JOY he endured the cross.

As I've reflected on all of this, it's challenged me, not to become a "runner" per se, as I'm content with my ipod, sometimes slacking form, and not running in the snow in February.  It has, however, challenged me spiritually.  If someone looked at my life, would they see me as the "real deal" when it comes to my faith?

 Before any race I run, as I look out among the crowd of people stretching and warming up, I like to try to pick who the winner will be.  That person NEVER looks like me.  It's always a "runner."

I Corinthians 9:24 "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it."

Where do you find joy in the spiritual race you are running?  Is it in the temporal things of this earthly life, or in your growth, endurance, and standing firm?


So....Tanya, Why do you run? one may ask.  Well, On October 27, I will drive myself to Texas to run a marathon to benefit 17 very special young people who have grown near and dear to my heart over the last 4 years, the youth of Emmaus House.  My goal is to raise $10,000. Raising money is not my spiritual gift, so I have to resort to sacrificing my body.  So, over the next couple of months, you may hear a lot about this from me on facebook and otherwise.  I apologize for the harassment in advance, but running a marathon is a big deal so I want to make the most of it...help me out. Here is the link to donate.  ANY amount helps!  (Feel free to click on the highlights for more information.)

Here is a short video the guys helped me make in Haiti to promote this whole thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-kyLL1zGP0

Here are some behind the scenes shots:

As you can tell, we aren't taking running too seriously.  Prayerfully, the same thing won't be said of our faith.