Our Kids are Getting Older...

The following is a post I wrote for a blog for Emmaus House, a transition house in Haiti I have been blessed to help start.    As my kiddos are getting older and entering adulthood, I can't help but consider that so is the rest of the world.  The rest of the world's children are growing up just like mine.  Many don't have the incredible blessing of a mom (like mine and many of yours do) to guide them through this defining decade that will determine the outcome of the rest of their lives. 

Back when I was a physically exhausted young mother with four children all under seven, a wiser, older friend named Debbie callously said to me, “When they are teens, they are going to need you more than they do now.”  How could these hyperactive, limit testing, trouble seeking, completely dependent human beings possibly need me more…ever? No way! When my kids are older, I was headed back to work full time…I was going to get my identity back. Surely there was light at the end of this tunnel.

Fast-forward almost a decade and as a mother of two teenagers, my good friend Debbie was 100% right. A talk about a lie with a two-year old takes about 2 minutes, whereas that same conversation with a teenager is a minimum two-hour ordeal. My two older kids need me more now than they ever have. And, honestly, I don't see an end in sight.  I am on call 24/7 for any dramatic issues that may erupt at any point (Be it 2 AM or in the mid afternoon rush of making dinner.) They require my undivided attention regardless of what I may be trying to accomplish at that moment with regard to my own responsibilities.  As I longed for their little fingers to let go of mine to take those first steps of independence, now I see myself wanting to say, “Wait, come back, you’re not ready.” Ready or not, at a certain age, adulthood sneaks up and you have to let them go.   

My teens are embarking on the responsibility of adulthood where their lives and souls are at stake. Adulthood- where I will no longer be there to “monitor” every moment of their life, where the consequences for their actions can be life changing or even life threatening.   

The teens of Emmaus House are in the very same boat, except they suffer the seemingly insurmountable deficit of not having loving parents to guide them along the way. They are embarking on the rest of their lives knowing very little about how to survive the harshness of life in Haiti. They need education, life skills, confidence, and a passion for God.

As we embark on the mission of Emmaus House and God’s plan for our young adults, I was seeking counsel from a much older, wiser Christian man who has run an orphanage in Africa for years.  He said to me, “It’s tough raising money for those older kids. People don’t feel sorry for them anymore.”  He may be right.  People always seem ready to step up and give to a pathetic, dirty looking two-year old with flies swarming round (as seen on TV). However, a well-kept teen deceivingly looks to have their needs met. It’s a bit tougher raising money to help older children and young adults. Like me as a young mother, we are deceived into thinking they don’t need us as much as they did when they were younger. 

Just like our own children, the teens of CHCH need us now more than they ever have. The adult unemployment rate in Haiti is 80%. We are praying and working diligently to ensure that this will not be the case for our young people as they transition into the huge responsibility of life in Haiti. We are working to ensure they will be able to contribute to and work diligently for the church in their home country. We want to give them every chance to succeed. They need your prayers, your love, and your support just as much now, if not more, than when they were younger.

Currently, we are trying to raise the money for start up costs.   The first thing we need is a house for the youth to live in.  If you'd like to help, here's your chance!

"How are You Doing?"

Almost daily someone asks me "How's it going?"  "How are the boys adjusting?"
 "Better than I expected," or "Today was a good day," are my typical and truthful responses.  So many people pray for and love our family and I'm grateful for people who care enough to ask.

However, a question I don't get quite as often is "How are you doing?"  A dear friend popped this normally casual question on me the other night after Bible study and for some reason it hit me hard.  This isn't a question I get asked often and it took my breath away.  After the week I'd had, at that moment, the typical positive responses just weren't going to cut it.  I simply got quiet, stared blankly into space, fought the tears back, and debated whether or not she was ready for and had the time to listen to the real answer.  She did take the time and I shared a tiny part of the recent struggles in our household; a  sweaty and teary battle with a certain 8-year old that ended in both of us falling asleep in the middle of the floor, for one.

We are truly blessed beyond measure and I WILL NOT complain.  However, this raising 6 kids, two with a troubled background is really hard.  That's not easy for me to say in a world where mothers struggle every day just to feed their children or worse yet, watch them die...those are the moms who are allowed to call mothering hard.   I was literally raised on the idea of if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger, so I tend to be one to just suck it up, deal with it and try to move on. But answering my friend's question suddenly forced me to venture into a buried place of honesty with myself.  I've been fighting the reality of my situation because I know of mothers in my very situation who have it so much worse, some even having to dissolve their adoptions. Still, the longer you are a mom and the more kids you have, the less life is about YOU.  Our family's struggle is nowhere near that of others, but it's still very difficult and I'm learning it's OK to say that out loud (or type it for the world to see.)

I don't know of anywhere in the Bible where somebody asks Jesus how He is doing, so we don't really get to see how He would respond to that question at any given time in His life. He was surrounded by thousands who were seeking Him out to meet their needs.  Not too many people were concerned about what Jesus needed from what I can tell.  I really wonder how He would answer the question, "By the way, Jesus, how are you doing?"  Jesus had needs just like us (Heb 4:15.)  He was exhausted, tired, and dare I say, discouraged.  Still, no record of anyone asking Him how He is fairing through it all.

During the last grueling week of His life He spent His nights in Bethany with His dear friends Mary, Martha, and Lazarus and then headed to Jerusalem every morning to be tested by the Pharisees knowing the week was to eventually end in His torture and death.  Definitely a tougher week than I've ever had.  I wonder if these dear friends who loved Jesus ever asked,  "How are you doing?"  He must have come to them every evening worn and weary.  I wonder how He would have answered.   Would He take the time to really bear the struggles He was having with another?  We have no way of knowing, but we do know that when the time came for His heart to cry out in agony, when He was in Gethsemane,  He entrusted His pain and struggle to the One who could truly help.  When Jesus struggled, He didn't "suck it up" or go into pulling up bootstraps mode.  He trusted and cried out to His Father...the comforter of all.

I don't have a local foreign adoption support group full of people who "get it"  and offer an empathetic shoulder to cry on. But I do have God's provision.  His family to offer not always what I want, but what I need.  He is my Father and I'm learning more than I ever have to trust Him with my hurts.  After 20 years of following Him, one would think I would get that by now.

How do you think Jesus would have responded to the question "How are you doing?"

Pecking Order

Pecking Order: the basic pattern of social organization within a flock of poultry in which each bird pecks another lower in the scale without fear of retaliation and submits to pecking by one of higher rank; broadly : a dominance hierarchy in a group of social animals.





Let me quote from my last blog post: "Everyone is slowly beginning to understand each other and the tension is progressively easing." Well, maybe on the day that I wrote this, that was the case. Not so much this last week. Not complaining in the least, mind you...just tellin' ya like it is.


My little chicks are determining the social hierarchy of our household. A close friend with 5 boys has always told me about this "pecking order" phenomenon with boys, but I didn't really understand until now how the mix of testosterone and good old fashioned sibling rivalry can easily have a Mama in a dead sleep by 8:00 PM every night. Thankfully, the understanding is clear that Mom and Dad are on top. However, everyone else determining where they stand may become the cause of my eventual institutionalization. I have 4 children who are all close to the same size and within 3 years of age (yes, I know I chose it.) None of them are willing to concede any position in the hierarchy other than the top. From time to time even the older 2 have to take a turn vying for their position.


It's absolutely exhausting!


Feel free to judge. The Dr. putting stitches in my oldest son's chin did as he looked in detest at the culprit who stabbed him with the pencil causing said injury. To say the least, it's been a rough week. Trying to make peace and explaining everyone's side of every situation (over and over) makes me weary. The constant analyzing, reading, thinking, praying, learning, growing, and making mistakes takes it's toll. And it's only just begun. I am confident that within a year things will be somewhat of a new normal...at least that's what "they" say. The boys will eventually have normal arguments that don't involve trips to the doctor's office.


Not every day is like this. Today was a good day. The boys made kites together, played in the snow together, Cameron helped Sam with school (and he let him,) and sweet Alto even made Caleb's bed for him today.


We are immensely blessed!









Alto's first birthday at home...with all 5 of his ever loving siblings!





This phenomenon of determining pecking order can be seen not only in families, but in work places, the church, everywhere. Where there are people, the sin of selfish ambition will follow. If you are currently vying for your position in some type of social order, first of all...be grateful that our Father never gets weary or tired (Is.40:28) like I am; and second, let me encourage you to take a lesson from Jesus, who in Philippians 2:3-11, gave us an example by voluntarily bringing Himself down to the very bottom of the pecking order (vs.7) when He was, by nature, at the absolute very top (vs.6).


Hey, I think I just found our new memory verses!!!

The Honeymoon is Over

I write this for those who read my blog who are close to bringing their little ones home.  As we got closer to bringing our boys home I literally scoured the internet for blogs, groups, anyone who was willing to be honest about what I could really expect when they came home.  All I got was the cutest family pictures imaginable of  happy, perfect children coming home to happy, perfect families.  I was pretty sure this would NOT BE US!

We finally had our first meltdowns.  For Sam it came when he was stubbornly unwilling to make one more apology (honestly, I was impressed he had already made as many as he had) to his brother.  Discipline was definitely in order.  He lost it as I expected.  He and his dad spent the next hour or so working it out.  I was surprised at how willing Sam was to let his dad back in emotionally.

For Alto it came after coming in with ice cold hands from outside (I had just advised him to put on gloves, oh and long pants too, first, but I'm a "go ahead and learn the hard way" kinda mom.)  Hey, the temps were up to 12 that day from -4 the day before, so maybe it would be OK.  If you've experienced the pain when your hands begin to thaw, you know why his sobbing ensued.  I took him upstairs, got him into some long sleeves, long pants, and we cuddled and hugged for about 1/2 hour.  He won't leave the house now without a pair of gloves on.

Honestly, everything is going much better than I expected.  I expected more meltdowns, more conflict about food, chores, and a millions other things, I expected the boys to be more stressed about living in a family, in America.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still barely keeping my head above water to keep up with daily life.

Challenges:

One of the biggest challenges I face on a momentary basis is saying "no" constantly.  I feel like one of those moms who can't possibly enforce the 9 million unnecessary rules she has created.
"Take that marble out of your mouth."
"Don't jump on the couch/bed/chair/table (pick one)."
"Don't lean over the 2nd story hand rail."
"Don't kick the dog/cat."
"You need to wear pants, shoes, and a coat, when it's -5 outside...yes, you do."
These are just a few of what I deem to be necessary requests.  I'm sure it will get better as they adjust to living in our family, but right now I feel like a Scrooge.

Siblings.  The three siblings who have not been to Haiti are having a difficult time understanding the self-protective behaviors.  Let me add here that my greatest pet peeve as a mom is tattling and it is never ending.  They feel the constant need to correct everything they do (I get it), so therefore, Sam especially feels challenged and feels the need to bite back (sometimes literally.)  They all just need a good lesson in unconditional love and selflessness (don't we all?).  We're working on it...CONSTANTLY..every moment of every day!
Everyone is slowly beginning to understand each other and the tension is progressively easing.

Joys:

Sam said to me the other day "Mom, your food is awesome!" (a new word he learned and is trying to use as much as possible)  I said, "Better than Nanut's (the cook at the orphanage)?"  "No," he says.  Every day he says something that makes me laugh out loud.  He is such a fun kid...always has been.  He works hard in school and loves to be challenged.   He's a deep thinker and is processing EVERYTHING. He saw the boys at wrestling practice and wanted to dive in.  I allowed him with much hesitation (we're supposed to be "coccooning", after all.)  He's doing pretty well considering he only understands about half of what's going on.  His English is exceptional which has made the transition so much easier for the both of them.

Alto is bonding so well.  He shows a healthy preference for me.  His English is coming along slowly but surely.  He works well in school and voluntarily cleans up and does chores. He is just one happy little guy...always has been.  Doesn't over think much of anything, just happy to be alive and fed.

It's been challenging, to say the least.  But so far, it's been a challenging joy adding these two to our family.

"It is Finished"

I'm not really a "crier" per se, but I expected to shed more tears than I have.  I expected to cry when we arrived in Haiti and saw the boys for the first time.  I expected to cry when we drove them out of the orphanage, or when we boarded the plane, or landed on US soil.  But I didn't.  The moment my emotions finally flowed was completely unexpected.  After about an hour wait, the immigration official came out of the office in West Palm Beach, FL and said, "As of this moment, your boys are officially US citizens."  She went on to give a list of instructions which I now wish I had listened to.  It dawned on me that our process was completely finished.  There were no more agonizing waits for legal steps to be completed.  It was finally finished from a legal perspective.  The all consuming legal process that has weighed me down emotionally for over 2 years was actually over.

As I was reflecting on this sense of relief, I thought about Jesus' last words, "It is finished," in John 19:30.  We sometimes get caught up in the emotion of the torturous 48 hours Jesus had endured prior to this, and I'm sure some of His statement was reflecting upon that suffering.  However, I believe Jesus was referring to an eternal picture.  The "eternal purpose" Paul speaks of  in Ephesians 3:11 which was "carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Eph. 1 talks about how "before the foundation of the world"  those who are in Christ were chosen, adopted, redeemed, given an inheritance.  Although we tend to use these terms with great emotion attached to them, in reality, these are technical, legal terms.  Hebrews 9:15-22 explains this legal transaction when speaking about the new covenant (literally a legal will.)  Since a death has taken place...those who have been called may receive the promise of the eternal inheritance.  The will, or covenant, isn't valid until the one who made it dies (vs.17).  Basically, when Jesus died, all of the legalities to give us our identity as God's children were complete.  The agonizing wait in Gethsemane was over, no more making others keep quiet about who He was because "His time had not yet come."  The legal transaction God had planned for all eternity was played out, it was finally finished.  The fulfillment of that covenant at Pentecost in Acts 2 still had to be played out, but the legal price was paid, the transaction was final when Jesus died.

When Paul refers to our adoption in Romans 8 and Ephesians 1, he is speaking of adoption from an ancient world view.  In our modern world, we view adoption as taking in a helpless child or infant who is needing a family.  I've heard sermons discussing God taking us in as helpless orphans.  While this is true, this is not at all how the ancient mind would view what Paul was referring to when addressing our adoption.  Paul was addressing a serious legal process which took place in ancient Roman times among the elite.  When a man of wealth or power wished to pass along their inheritance and/or power, they would go through the complicated and expensive legal process of "adopting" a consenting adult to hand over their inheritance to.  This is what God has done.  When Jesus died, the legal process was complete.  The cost was paid.  The eternal plan to make us God's children was finished.  Legally, it is much easier to make a child yours by giving birth than by adoption.  But God chose the complicated, expensive, and difficult path that would make us choose to be His as well as Him choosing us.  We simply have to consent to be His child.

At Immigration

The end result of the legal process.

I could never compare the relief I felt at immigration to what Jesus felt as he gave up His spirit.  It just occurred to me that we often forget the eternal plan, the all consuming legal process, that God constructed to make us legally His children.  He actually went through a very long, painful, expensive (the cost of His son) legal process to purchase us, adopt us, and give us an eternal inheritance.

How's it Going So Far?

We've been home 4 days so far and things are going pretty well.  It is surprisingly quiet around my house at the moment but the decibels are soon to start back up, I'm sure.  

Funny moments:  First words from Sam after getting off the plane in 60 degree Florida, "I'm cold."  Well, it's -6 here today, so....

  Sam didn't think snow was real when he saw snippets of it in Texas while driving in the car..."It's not real, they just painted it," he said.  He's pretty aware of it's existence at this point.

Food issues:

Sam likes almost everything, however not the waffles I served this morning and not (oh, the blasphemy) cheese on his hamburger.  Alto is a quite a bit pickier and, surprisingly,  his favorite food so far has been salad with ranch dressing.  I finally broke down and attempted some "Haitian spaghetti" today.  Success...Alto loved it!

Parenting challenges:  

We have already had "run-ins" with both boys.  No worries, as usual...Mom won!  

Sam woke up to a very quiet house this morning.  He was afraid we had all had left him so he locked the door to his room and began to cry.  Tony found him and Sam and I spent the morning curled up in a blanket on the rocking chair.  Haiti is one constant ball of loudness but it never dawned on me that he has never woken up to a quiet morning in all of his life and wouldn't know how to respond.

School:

My older kids started school today and Sam immediately said he wanted to as well, so he started writing today, the boy wants to learn cursive...full speed ahead, I say.  We assessed his math capabilities and it seems he is somewhere in the middle of 2nd grade (I'll need to order different workbooks.)  Alto, on the other hand, has zero interest so far.

Alto and Holly.  They are quickly becoming good friends.

I crocheted each of the boys an blanket.  Sam's is fluorescent yellow and he loves it.  

Sledding!!

Yesterday, we had a "come and meet Sam and Alto" day and invited all of our friends to come sledding.  They had a blast and it was a great way for them to meet everyone in a non-awkward way.  It didn't take long for Sam to attempt the ramps (which I unsuccessfully don't allow my children to go on) and debut his flying skills.  He said, "Mom, on what day will we do this again?"  Alto found a little hill to chill out on by himself and had a blast as well.

Tony and Sam getting ready for Sam's first ride down the hill.

Aubrey and Alto.

Sam and Joshua making friends.

Old friends too...Aub and Rylan.

Alto headed back up the hill.

Our Journey Home in Pictures

Leaving CHCH for the last time!

At the airport in Cap Haitien.

Boarding the plane for America.

US Citizens!

Big brother at the airport.

Sam carrying his bag the Haitian way.

At a rest stop in TX along the way.

Home at last, in the snow!